


Hurts (to see your face)

by Xythia



Series: Out of time [6]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Civil War Team Iron Man, Gen, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2019-01-06 19:45:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12217674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xythia/pseuds/Xythia
Summary: Bucky’s lot in life seemed to be trying to calm a stubborn punk down and hope that he might be open to reason. Maybe.





	Hurts (to see your face)

Bucky turned around when the door of his bedroom banged open. He wasn’t surprised by his visitor, it wasn’t something new.

“It’s so ...Tony.” Steve opened with, apropos of nothing, rubbed his right palm over his blond hair and continued to pace up and down like an agitated tiger in a cage. ”Can’t he for once get over his personal issues and put the good of the team first?” 

Bucky was sitting in his desk chair, the laptop active and running behind him while he observed his best friend. He glanced at the screen, his eyes darken due to what is displayed on it, then back at Steve. The lines around his mouth deepened. 

“I thought, now that Thanos is dead and we proved that the world needs us, that everything would go back to how it should be!” 

Well, they must have met on the grounds and argued. Again. “Stark doesn’t want to merge the two teams.” the brunet shrugged his shoulders, his gaze unerringly drawn to his new, matte black arm. “Nothing wrong ‘bout that, punk.” 

Steve glowered, his eyes fixated on an imaginary target. “We should be one team. A team that puts past hurt where they belong, in the past. And Tony is so immature and full of ego, he is unable to do it. Doesn’t that show that he shouldn’t lead a team?” 

Bucky’s eyebrows rose up until they disappeared under his bangs. “He’s not trying to beat me to a pulp anymore, means he can let go. Doesn’t make him wrong about not wanting to see my face everyday and be reminded of what I cost him.” The lack of murderous intent on Stark’s side now also proved that Siberia could have been avoided if the information had been presented in a controlled way but Bucky knew better than to touch that and earn anything but denial. 

“You didn’t do anything wrong!” the response came, like it always did, with fervor and conviction. 

“It was my hands that killed his parents even if my brain wasn’t in control of them. Doesn’t alter the fact that I caused Stark pain.” It wasn’t a new discussion and Bucky searched the face of his friend for any sign that this might be the day that Steve would start to listen beyond his own denial. “Steve, don’t you think…." 

The mulish jut of Steve’s jaw told anyone that he was not approving of the way this was going. Not at all. 

“It’s called conflict of interest Stevie; Your interest conflicting with his future well being. He knows which side you always will be on, no matter what and it won’t be Stark that comes out on top for you, ever. We proved that in Siberia with nearly killing him, according to his medical files.”  

Steve of course concentrated on the part that he was most concerned with. “He tried to kill you, was unreasonable and confrontational!” 

“Yeah, and I bet you’d have been all heart and support if it was your mum and a brainwashed Stark on screen instead, eh? You would have been ready to look at the facts with unemotional detachment, with her death-cry echoing in the room?” 

Steve growled and crossed his arms across his chest, his face a thundercloud of anger. 

Barnes sighed and slumped down in his seat. “Punk. Don’t you ever wonder… Your face, your words broke the conditioning.” 

A smile bloomed on his friends face and he nodded and reached for Bucky’s purely human shoulder to squeeze, showing his support. 

“I remember every kill. Every frightened cry. Every word spoken to the Asset. None of them moved HIM. Old, young, innocent or guilty.” The shoulder under Steve’s hand shook. “Howard, I knew him, Steve. And others… I’m asking myself every day what sort of human being I am that a young girl’s screams didn’t wake me up and stop me. I don’t know her name but Hydra wanted that family to be eradicated, all of them. And Soldat did it!” 

“Bucky! You couldn’t do anything, you were brainwashed and not yourself.” Steve pleaded. 

“But me waking up for YOU proves that it was possible!” Bucky shouted, the one thing he had held back until now. The one thing he had never voiced before. 

Steve reared back, his eyes big and desperate. “Buck…” 

“Yes, they had to reinforce my conditioning regularly and keep me on ice for long stretches of time to keep me docile. Yes, I always fought. But it never was enough. Never. Until you. Why didn’t it break sooner…” his voice petered off at the end of his sentence. 

“I see their faces in my dreams.” Bucky whispered and his eyes, colored like winter, sought the warm blue ones of his friend. 

“Bucky-” 

“And I understand why Stark doesn’t want to see me.” 

Steve stared and his lips formed the words of exoneration he longed to shout but he couldn’t  voice them for once. 

It gave James Barnes hope that his friend was actively listening to him. “If you get what you want, everyone under your command, please answer me something?” 

Steve nodded, his voice still not working. 

“If there’s a mission where their talents are needed, will you pair up Scarlet Witch and Ironman?” Bucky tried his best to state the question in a neutral way. 

His blond friend, no matter how stubborn he acted, wasn’t stupid and his tactician brain didn’t take long to see what Barnes was aiming at. “That’s completely different Bucky.” 

“No, it isn’t. Wanda is very vocal, she didn’t hesitate to tell me what her personal problem with Stark is. She still holds him responsible for the death of her parents.” 

Steve straightens his posture. “She has valid reasons.” 

Bucky stared at him without any expression on his face. The face he knew Steve hated because it reminded him of the soldier and the 70 years of torture that shaped the man Barnes was now. “He didn’t start that war, he wasn’t the one pulling the trigger, he wasn’t the one giving the order to fire. It could have been Hammer tech instead or any other weapons manufacturer. Wanda was traumatised and latched onto the name on the bomb instead of searching for the real culprit. Why is she getting understanding for her trauma and Stark is getting your scorn?” 

“Why are you on his side?” Steve cried out. 

“Because I bet it is my face that haunts his nightmares.”

.-#-.

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to work out two things with this piece: The double standard of Steve ignoring and sometimes even encouraging Wanda’s irrational hatred (for murdering Wanda’s parents) when it comes to Tony Stark and his anger at Tony for trying to attack Bucky (for murdering Tony’s parents). In both cases it is blaming the weapon but Steve doesn’t see it that way. And the second thing is that (mostly in fandom, not as blatantly in the movie) blame, hurt feelings and guilt aren’t something anyone can measure or demand to forget - but nobody should be forced to face trauma or let got of trauma for the convenience of others. It doesn’t go away or stops to influence people, no matter how much someone wants to erase it.  
> Additionally: oh boy. If Tony and Bucky work together in IW - it really, really proves that Steve and his year long silence about the Stark murders was only founded on selfish reasons and not reality.


End file.
